These words are often used interchangeably in our society but they are in no way synonyms. Punishments are harmful to the minds of our students and children whilst discipline is not. Read more to learn how!
Let’s start by understanding the definitions of these words
Punishment- Inflicting pain/suffering on someone for their past behaviour. Parents typically use punishments in order to invoke fear with the hopes of it conditioning their children into displaying wanted behaviours. The word ‘punish’ comes from the Latin word ‘poena’ which means ‘pain’ or ‘penalty’.
Discipline- Training someone to behave in accordance with rules or a code of conduct so they can adopt desirable future behaviour. Parents typically use discipline to teach or to guide. It comes from Latin words ‘disciplina’ which means ‘teaching, learning or instruction’ and ‘discipulus’ which means ‘disciple or pupil’.
To better understand the difference between punishments and discipline, we firstly need to better understand how the minds of our children work.
Our brains can be separated into three parts:
1. Lizard/Reptilian (Survival) Brain- Controls body functions like our heartbeat, digestion, breathing and out fight or flight responses. We do not consciously control these things.
2. Mammal/Emotional Brain- Responsible for strong emotions (anger, separation, fear, anxiety, care) and other things like memories, habits and attachments.
3. Human/Thinking Brain- This is where reasoning, rationalising, abstract thought and imagining takes place.
Imagine this, you’re walking through the forest when suddenly an animal jumps out in front of you. Most people will take a panicked step back without thinking. When you better examine the animal, you realise that it’s just a friendly dog. Now, you are able to relax after making conscious judgment.
Danger triggers an alarm in the emotional brain. This alarm does not pass through the thinking brain. Along with triggering an alarm, a chemical called cortisol is released which enables us to fight back or jump away quickly (it fuels our fight-or-flight response).
Do you see where I’m going?
Children, especially toddlers and pre-schoolers are curious and fearless but they don’t know about safety and do not follow reasoning very well (since they are not at a stage to be able to). Since these children aren’t able to reason well, some parents tend to use fear, spanking, time-outs or berating. They hope that fear will condition their children into abandoning undesired behaviours and adopting desired ones. When it in fact does the opposite. The fear stops your child from being able to reason and forces them the react based off of emotions. For example, if a child fails a test due to lack of studying, he/she might be spanked/berated by their parent. The parent hopes that the fear of being spanked/berated will force the child to study next time. It does not allow the child to reason and understand the benefits of studying.
For us, being harshly punished may not seem like a life-threatening experience. If someone were to hit us, yell at us or belittle us, we can seek counselling from friends or family or distance ourselves from that person. We have options.
For children, their parents are their entire worlds. They are supposed to provide them with love, safety and food. Children do not have the option or ability to distance themselves or speak to friends/family. To children, harsh treatment from their parents/caregivers often feels like a life-threatening experience.
Here’s the facts:
Fear does not allow children to reason or think about their actions. Isn’t the goal to nurture a child that can reason for themselves?
Fear triggers their fight-or-flight response and the ONLY thing on their mind is getting away/getting to safety.
Frequent fear has numerous negative impacts:
Thankfully, there is a silver lining!
You may be asking yourself “How else can we get children to behave without using punishments?”. Remember! We do not need punishments to discipline since discipline means to teach.
Teachers do not use punishments to teach yet their students are able to learn. Instead of asking yourself, “How else can we get children to behave without using punishments?” ask yourself, “How can we discipline/teach our children”. A lot can change if we think of children as our disciplines that need to be guided.
1. Modelling
Have you ever noticed that children pick up EVERYTHING? For example, if you use certain words around them, they will use those words as well. That’s because humans have a wonderful ability to learn by observing or imitating the actions that they see.
Therefore:
If you want your child to be kind, you need to be kind to your child.
If you don’t want your child to hit others, don’t hit your child.
If you want your child to respect others, you need to respect your child.
If you don’t want your child to be cruel to others, don’t be cruel to your child.
Sounds simple right?
2. Re-evaluate if your goals are age-appropriate
Are your expectations of your child’s behaviour realistic? Are your expectations appropriate for your child’s developmental stage?
In our thinking brains, the region called the ‘pre-frontal cortex’ which is needed to learn complex ideas like discipline isn’t fully devolved until a child is around 3. So, younger children cannot comprehend the concept of discipline. As their caregivers, we are charged with making their environments safe, closely supervising them and redirecting when they make mistakes. Which we know is EXHAUSTING.
But, think about what’s more important.
We could save energy and use punishments. Our children will act like perfect angels on the outside from a young age and they will have mental struggles and suffer on the inside as they get older.
Or we could be patient and use discipline. Our children will grow up to learn right from wrong and will have healthy brains.
3. Be consistent
According to the experts, authoritative parenting is the best in all areas. One thing to note is that although authoritative parents do not have a scroll of rules for their children to abide by (unlike authoritarian parents), they are extremely consistent in enforcing the ones that they set.
Have you ever been too tired to carry out a consequence? Or have you ever ‘given in’ and realised that the undesired behaviour has gotten worse? Giving in or being inconsistent with your rules/boundaries strengthens the behaviour that you are trying to stop. No matter how hard it is, you need to find the extra energy or strength to hold firm to the rules and boundaries that you set.
4. Use positive discipline and positive reinforcement
Using positive discipline allows us to teach and guide children by letting them know which behaviours are acceptable in a firm yet kind and respectful way. It promotes self-control, teaches responsibility and teaches children to make thoughtful choices. Here are some helpful strategies, keep in mind that they will only be helpful when used at developmentally appropriate times:
Natural consequences- This allows children to learn the consequences of their actions. For example, if our child refuses to put on a jacket, they will feel cold. You may advise your child to put on a jacket because you know that it will be cold outside. The child is not currently cold and may refuse to put it on. Instead of trying to force them to put it on, grab the jacket and allow them to experience the natural consequence; they will feel cold and definitely put on the jacket.
Logical consequences- These are structured consequences that occur due to specific misbehaviours. For example, if your teenager stays out past their curfew, he/she knows that they won’t be able to go out with their friends on the weekend.
Fix up- This teaches children that if they damage something they will need to help fix it or clean it up. For example, if a child is playing wildly and knocks over a glass of water, they will be required to clean up the spilt water.
Redirection- This can be used with a child that not cooperating. For example, if a child is given a turn on the swing and it is now someone else’s turn and the refuse to come off, you can get the child focused on another activity. “Hanah, please come help me to water the flowers, it’s John’s turn on the swing”
The hard truth is that punishments harm children and our relationships with them. Let’s use healthy alternatives to raise the leaders of the next generation!
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